It takes a few weeks to get my energy back in Sanity’s Safe Area, but it only takes a few hours and some well-phrased sentences to drain me of my “Happy Mode.”
It’s an old and overused line already: I’m tired, I’m suffocated, and I’m overly pissed off already. I woke up to lazy Sunday morning with nothing but thoughts of hoping that the December days would pass by me every time I blink. My Sunday plans had been shot down the drain; all the excitement I was trying to pool or muster for the past few days have dissipated after a well-aimed head shot a few hours before I woke up.
I never got out of bed. I read some fiction off my cellphone to help me clear my mind; escape from whatever was bothering me again or else I’ll succumb to the old me’s moments of breakdown whenever I’m alone. I drifted in and out of sleep for the whole day, wishing that I was on another Time when I open my eyes. Of course, that was shooting for the moon.
I’ve never asked for more than what’s necessary. I just wanted to live a simple life: just me dictating what and how I use my Time. Most people have said that I’ve a lot to be thankful for. Sure, thanks; but that doesn’t mean I can’t wish for an improvement.
The ideal situation I’ve been wanting seems normal enough. I sometimes lose a sight of me. And it seems like I’m going back to square one. New level, but still square one. It’s clearly fucking me up. I could write and rant the whole day and any reader would not have an idea what I’m talking about. I’m just tired and whenever I think of other different situations, I just feel weak-kneed. It feels like I’m never gonna find my solace from “that”. I’d have disappeared once again to a place far away from “that” if only I didn’t have a gold band on my finger. It’s the only thing that’s been keeping me hopeful. I just hope I’m strong enough to sustain the crush, because I feel that my old wounds are slightly opening again.
I don’t want to go back to that dark place again… Please don’t push me back there again. I’m tired. I love you and all but you drain the life out of me… Just, please.
